Buffet bum

The thing with buffet is that it brings out the hog in you. It separates the food lovers from just those with huge appetites with no regard or respect for quality of the food. In short, hogs. There was a time I was serving in a buffet setting and the people got in queue as usual. They were extraordinarily famished and I could see them trying to crane their necks to visually sample that which they would have when it was their turn.

A certain man caught my eye. This man had a hard time choosing what to have thus he heaped his plate with all the items on the buffet and his plate had an unholy amount of food. I wondered if all that would fit in him for he was quite small in stature. Plus isn’t that like bowel suicide? Mixing that much food is tempting fate and fate has a way of accepting challenges and giving you exactly what you put it up to plus a little bonus so that next time you will think before acting or speaking rashly.

As the man was precariously balancing his plate, he missed a step and the plate danced a little on his hand. He managed to maintain balance but dropped a gigantic piece of chicken. I saw him attempt to dive for it as it fell and it all played out like a movie in slow mode.You should have seen the look on his face. You’d think someone shot his favorite dog and made him watch it. He was crushed! He just stood there clearly debating whether to pick it up or not.

He looked right, and as his eyes were cruising the room towards the left, his eyes met mine. I could almost see a curse word in the look in his eyes. He looked at me and then down to the chicken and he looked distraught and angry all in one hungry package. Stifling a laugh, I walked up to him and I offered to bring him another piece of chicken. He almost hugged me with appreciation. I think I had just singlehandedly made his day by simply doing my job of looking at guests to see if they need anything.

Of hallucinated constipation

Some days are good, some are bad and others lack a clear word to define them. Well, I had, is it usually have, too many of those days.

Waking up in the morning and I feel like a bulldozer spent its free time cruising on my poor head. I look around and I am not even sure I am alive or gone to the other side. Curse the one who invented rum and coke. Why does it have to be so sweet yet so potent? I smell like a sailor and my eyes are seeing a blurred imitation of my house. Or is it mine? My phone is never far from me so I stretch out and look for it. I find it and to my horror, I have 30 minutes to get to work. To make matters worse, I am not at my house but at my equally wasted best friend’s house. There must have been an amnesia outbreak or something because neither of us has any idea how we even got to her place.

                    

So I drag my dehydrated self into action and in no time I am showered and dressed. Or at least seemingly dressed. I have to go to work in a fraction of a dress because that is what I wore the previous night. This was enforced by the fact that my friend has a particular aversion to length, so I was better off showing up to work with familiar scandal in the name of a dress than with uncharted territory that may be too much for me to handle. Thank God for trench coats for it made me have a semblance of decency.

Sometimes I wish I had a regular office job where you sit around all day and pretend to work while chatting on Face book. As for me I get to walk around while balancing a tray and at moments like this, balancing my own body weight is an issue in itself. I slip into my uniform, and blend in with the rest before the managers notices I am late and slightly ‘disoriented’. I literally avoid serving anyone because I am still seeing some extraordinary visions that did not earlier exist at the restaurant. Who knows what type of illegal and legal substances I consumed? A very deliberate slap from a colleague plus a secret concoction from the bar man set me straight and I was near sober. And devilishly bloated. Or was it hunger? My whole body is in a blur. I should probably pay more attention to adverts and read the fine print that says that alcohol is bad for you. But who sees that stuff anyway, let alone care about it? If they wanted you to feel the impact of the warning, they would increase the font and change the font color to a bold atrocity.

The manager sees me and I say I am fine. Just a little off and with a splitting headache. He knows I am telling half truths but I don’t care. I go to the washroom to hope for retrieve. If I tried serving a guest, I would probably scare them off or bite off their head if they get obnoxious. I was feeling like a one girl Rugby team with a bad case of constipation so I was grouchy and itching for a fight. These are the days you just accept that you need help and go to the washroom to catch some shut eye. Yes, even us waiters have these episodes…

Hail the Queen bee and her calvary…

People are different. Very much so that most of the time, the differences cloud all other possible interactions. This is usually much worse if the differences flare in a work situation. In psychology the say that each society has personalities in all the extremes. The madman, the diva, the bully, eccentrics and what not. Well, sometimes I feel as if i landed in a scenario with more than the standard ratio of the extremes. Being ‘normal’ is relative here. It is usually defined by the queen bee and her band of followers.

Let me introduce the queen bee. Either by rights or self proclaimed and appointed, she is the “epi-centre”. Usually too cowardice to act alone, she forms a band of the power puffs who’s mission is to thrush all who “rub” them in the wrong way, those that don’t care about their existence and sometimes they thrush just for the sport of it. If you ask me they are just busy bodies who are inborn bullies who are trying to flex their muscles to people. Just barking toothless bulldogs.

As far as I am concerned, my job description as a waiter is to serve the guests and assist them in any way that I can to make them feel at home. So when my job also includes starring in made up tales, I have a problem because I don’t remember getting paid for that. There is no worse morale killer than vicious rumors flying around about you. Sometimes I think I should actually do what they claim that I do just to humor them and make at least one thing in the string of made up blur true.

I’m pretty sure I got my work cut out for me in terms of workplace drama but if I have made it thus far, I guess I am more resilient than I thought.

All’s not fair in love and War…

Love chances on all of us. Sometimes it is actually love but most of the time it is just Lust masked behind a flurry of heartwarming words. Other times it is just a passing phase commonly referred to as a crush.

Now when your job or the perception of it gets in the way or completely spoils your chances of nailing someone, it becomes a pain in the rear. As a waiter you serve all manner of people, and being human, there is the occasional crush. The only problem is the perception accorded to waiters. Not all waiters are unschooled unfocused people without any education. I think people forget that so many of the current Big shots did such work as a start to support things like schooling.

This is why I talk like this. There are some guests you serve and they light up your day. Sparks light up the conversation and there is obvious chemistry. A sly smile here, a witty comment there. Every minute is the very definition of blissful. Then they leave the restaurant. After one last glances your way as if to contemplate fate, they walk away. The body language says that they are interested but factors keep them away. The factor is common knowledge. The perception of this work. You both know it so you just let it slide. Its life and sometimes it’s unfair for no apparent reason.

Then there are the workplace affairs. The worst thing you could get yourself into. Your dirty linen suddenly becomes everyone’s business. When love becomes public, it become susceptible to outside involvement and opinion thus at a higher chance of collapse. But if you have learnt to live your life and ignore popular yapping, then you have nothing to worry about. However, the peculiarity of love is that it happens differently to people. I guess that’s why they say all is fair. However when it is so close but yet so far due to factors outside your control, it then becomes a nagging pain inside that keeps whispering what if… (Sigh) But what can we do anyway. C’est la vie!

More than a beer- getting creative with beer!

Its a staple in many refrigerators. Beer is well loved as a chilling out companion and a partying basic need. Well, here are some more interesting ways to use your favorite brand of beer besides drinking it. Creativity, knows no bounds in this crazy world….

1. Bathe in It

Instead of sipping a beer, try soaking in it. Pour a bottle of your favorite beer in the tub and lie back for a real bubble bath.

2. Put Out a Fire

Although certainly not as effective as a real fire extinguisher, a can or bottle of beer can mimic one if none is available. Simply shake and spritz. After all, beer is mostly water. This works on small grill flare-ups, and some people have been known to carry an emergency can in their car in case of engine fire. Or at least that’s what they tell the state troopers.

3. Marinate Meat

Beer is slightly acidic—and that makes it an excellent meat tenderizer. This allows you to enjoy leaner cuts that otherwise might be too tough. Beer also won’t alter the meat’s flavor as much as wine- and vinegar-based marinades do. Poke a few holes in the meat, put it in a Tupperware container or a large resealable bag, and add beer. (English ale is great for beef.) Marinate in the refrigerator for a few hours or, better yet, overnight. Do not drink the marinade.

4. Polish Pots

In days of yore, the last bit of beer from spent kegs was collected and used to polish the copper vats in breweries. Gregg Smith, general manager of the Idaho Brewing Company, is keeping the tradition alive by using beer to put a shine on the copper-top tables in his Idaho Falls establishment. “Because of its acidity,” he explains, “you can just pour some on, let it sit for a while, then wipe it off. It also works well on Revere Ware pots.”

5. Make Beer Barbecue Sauce

Ingredients:
1 medium Spanish onion, diced
1 medium banana pepper, diced
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 Tbsp capers
5 ripe tomatoes, diced
1 small can tomato paste
1/3 cup each wine vinegar, olive oil, soy sauce, brown sugar
1 Tbsp balsamic vinegar
2 Tbsp each Worcestershire sauce, Tabasco, honey, Dijon mustard, horseradish, oregano
2 Tbsp fresh ground pepper
1 tsp cumin
Dash of ground clove
12 ounces amber ale or porter

Combine all ingredients in a large saucepan and boil for 10 minutes. Lower heat and simmer about 4 hours until thickened. Cool and refrigerate for 24 hours so the flavors can meld. Then baste everything but the dog with it.

6. Shampoo Hair

Not only is beer the remedy for a dull party, it’s also the cure for dull hair. Dump a cup into a small saucepan and bring it to a boil over medium heat. Let it reduce until there’s 1/4 cup left. This removes the alcohol, which can dry hair. Let the beer cool, then mix it with a cup of your favorite shampoo. Pour it into an empty shampoo bottle, then wash and rinse as usual. It’ll give your hair more shine and luster.

7. Loosen Rusty Bolts

Pour some beer on them and wait a few minutes. The carbonation may help break up the rust.

8. Clear Up Brown Spots in Your Lawn

The fermented sugars in beer stimulate plant growth and kill fungi. He recommends spraying either home brew or Rolling Rock (both are chemical-free) on those annoying brown spots in your lawn. (Either that, or just stop peeing there.) “The grass will absorb the sugar in the beer and draw energy from it.

9. Steam Clams or Mussels

Fill a large steamer pot with equal parts water and beer, then bring to a boil. Steam the randy little mollusks until their shells open. Couldn’t be simpler. The beer imparts a nice flavor.

10. Pass a Kidney Stone

As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, beer is a diuretic. It helps flush the kidneys and bladder. This can be beneficial if you’re suffering from a bladder infection or kidney stone. “You can drink water or cranberry juice, but beer also works,” says Larry L. Alexander, M.D., medical director of Central Florida Regional Hospital’s emergency department. ” It helps dilate the ureters [the tubes connecting the kidneys and bladder], which may help you pass a stone quicker and easier. Plus, the alcohol will take the edge off the pain.” But don’t drink beer if you’re taking antibiotics or narcotic pain medications. You’ll render the drugs useless and make yourself sick.

11. Boil Shrimp

Open three 12-ounce bottles of Yuengling Premium or a comparable mild pilsner and pour them into a large soup pot. Wait for the beer to go flat (about 2 hours), then add 1/4 cup Old Bay Seasoning and 2 tsp ground turmeric (to turn the shrimp a rich yellow). Bring to a boil over medium-high heat, then cook for 5 minutes.

Meanwhile, rinse 2 pounds of extra-large raw shrimp in cold water and drain. Add them to the pot and stir. Cover and cook for 5 minutes, no more. Quickly remove the shrimp using a large slotted spoon. Serve immediately with cocktail sauce and, you guessed it, more beer. This same recipe makes great lobster, but cook it for 12 to 15 minutes.

12. Kill Slugs

Gather a few empty salsa jars (or similar wide-mouth containers) and fill them a third of the way with cheap beer. Then bury them about 15 feet from your garden, girlfriend, or whatever you’re trying to protect. Make sure the rims are almost level with the soil surface. For some reason, slugs love beer. They’ll find the traps, drop in, and drown. Do this in the evening, let them party all night, and give them an honorable burial in the mor

13. Soothe Tired Feet

Pour a couple of cold ones into a bucket and soak your dogs. “Ice-cold beer with lots of carbonation can be soothing for tired feet,” Dr. Alexander says. Stop at two; you don’t want to start staggering!

14. Lower Your Blood Pressure

John Palmer, a hypertensive home-brewer and engineer in Monrovia, California, puts a handful of dried hops or hops pellets (available at any home-brew store) in a coffeemaker and brews them with hot water. It makes for a bitter tea, but he claims it brings his blood pressure back to normal within 10 minutes by dilating the capillaries. “There may be something to it,” Dr. Alexander says. “A person who’s intoxicated is usually flushed and sweaty. Some ingredient is dilating the blood vessels, which, in turn, lowers blood pressure.” We don’t advocate this as a replacement for medication, though.

15. Trick a Cheap Landlord

Live in an apartment where the landlord pays the heat bill and sets the thermostat pretty low? Ice up a can of beer in the freezer, then set it atop the lockbox that encloses the thermostat. The cold from the beer will trick the thermostat into thinking the temperature has dropped so it’ll turn the heat on.

16. Bake Beer Bread

You already know how to put a bun in the oven. Now it’s time to go all the way. Here’s a healthful, foolproof recipe for high-fiber beer bread from the book Tailoring Your Tastes, by nutritionist Omichinski:

Ingredients:
2 3/4 cups all-purpose flour
2 Tbsp sugar
2 Tbsp baking powder
1/4 cup ground flaxseed
1 tsp each salt, dried basil, dried rosemary, thyme
1/2 cup unsalted sunflower seeds
1 Tbsp cooking oil
12 oz beer, at room temperature

Mix all the dry ingredients. Add oil and beer. Stir until dough is just mixed. Put dough in a greased 9x5x3-inch loaf pan. Bake at 375 F for 45 minutes or until nicely browned. Remove from oven and let bread cool in pan for 10 minutes. Remove from pan to cool some more.

17. Catch Mice

Slugs aren’t the only pests with a fatal attraction to beer. According to Neil Herbst, owner of the Alley Kat Brewing Company in Edmonton, Alberta, you can also trap mice with it. He recommends setting out a few small pails or bowls of beer (his competitors’, never his own), with a small ramp leading up to the lip. The mice will be attracted by the smell, hop in, drink their fill, then be unable to climb out. But if you have alcoholic and fit mice, too bad.

18. Cure Insomnia

Gregg Smith, author of The Beer Drinker’s Bible, says women often show up at his brewery asking to buy not his beer but the hops he uses to brew it. “They sew it into pillows,” he explains. “The smell of it is supposed to be a sleep aid, especially for colicky babies. I’ve never tried it, but we get enough requests that there must be something to it.” Hops is a type of flower, though, so be careful if you have allergies.

19. Massage Yourself

A full can of beer is a great self-massage tool, according to Dori Love-Bentley, a certified massage therapist. For instance, take off your shoes and roll a can underfoot. Or put one in the crook of your back or between your shoulder blades and lean back against a wall, rolling it around as you do so. It works just about anywhere—quads, glutes, neck, calves. “The pressure loosens up muscle tissue,” Love-Bentley explains, “and encourages bloodflow to the area.”

20. Calm an Upset Stomach

Sipping on a highly carbonated beer can settle a stomach just like 7Up or Sprite can. Plus, the alcohol helps buffer pain. “I’ve never seen a true medical study supporting this,” Dr. Alexander says, “but I have patients tell me it works. The only time you have to be careful is if you have an ulcer or gastritis. Alcohol can inflame that.”

21. Cook Rice

Rinse 1 cup jasmine rice in water. Do it twice more, then drain well. Next, dump the rice into a medium-size pot and add 12 ounces of beer. (A nut-brown ale works well.) Bring the mixture to a boil, turn the heat to low, and cover the pot. Simmer for 20 minutes, then remove from the stove and cool for an additional 10 minutes. The rice won’t be lumpy, and it’ll have a nuttier flavor—just like you after you eat it.

22. Stop Snoring

If your log-sawing is ripping a hole in your marriage, try this simple remedy: Get a pocket T-shirt and a 6-ounce mini-can of beer. Put the can in the pocket and fasten it closed with a safety pin. Just before you go to bed, put the shirt on backward. Research shows that you’re more likely to snore when resting on your back. This little setup prevents you from rolling over. Plus, come morning, you won’t have to get out of bed for breakfast.

23. Roast Chicken

To make “Swampman Dan’s Drunken Chicken,” buy a few medium-size whole birds and a six-pack of beer. Drink half a can of beer, cut off the top third of the can, and add 1 tsp salt, 1 tsp pepper, 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce, 2 Tbsp liquid crab boil, and 1 tsp creole seasoning.

Then shove the can into the chicken and place it in a secure, standing position on the grill. As the brew boils, it’ll intoxicate the bird with flavor. Takes about 1 hour.

Recipe compliments of Swamp Cookin’ with the River People

24. Ice a Hamstring

Frozen or very cold cans of beer make great ice packs. Hold one against whatever is ailing you—a sore muscle, a sunburned neck, a pounding headache. With an Ace bandage, you can even wrap a frosty 16-ouncer against the back of your thigh. Or use a sweatband to strap a can near your elbow after a tennis match. “A metal can will transmit the cold very rapidly,” Dr. Alexander says. Just make sure to put some thin fabric between the skin and the beer can to avoid frostbite.